Destined For Extinction

(I wrote this humorous account of one of my first forays into the somewhat formidable world of gourmet coffee stores. I've since become a regular at most of these coffee places. However that was after I hired a foreign language expert to help me navigate the murky waters of Barista-speak.) :O)


Destined For Extinction



I was born with iced tea running through my veins. I’m crazy about the stuff. Since it’s practically all I drink, I thought I was savvy to the latest trends; flavored, bottled, herbal, and instant.




Then overnight, a hip refreshment subculture invented gourmet coffee and tea outlets. For the un-hip (like me) the unique language spoken within their rarefied walls was as foreign as Martian…and quite intimidating.




One day I bravely ventured into one such establishment, to pick up drinks for myself and a friend. A kid wearing a full length black apron and matching beanie was standing behind the counter.




He: “May I help you?”




Me: “Yes. (Reading off a hand-written list) I’d like to order a medium sugar free vanilla latte-extra hot, and a large unsweetened iced tea please.”





He: “We don’t have medium and large sizes.”




Me: (puzzled) “Oh? What do you have?”




He: “We have Great, Vast and Infinite.”




Me: (politely) “Gee. They all sound big. Which is
which?”




He: (With an exaggerated sigh that was no doubt reserved for the ignorant.) “Great is small. Vast is medium, and Infinite is large.”




Me: “Great is small? That makes no sense.”




He: (Ignoring me) “Ok, so you want a Vast sugar free vanilla latte-extra hot, and what else?”




Me: “An Infinite unsweetened iced tea. By the way, since the word “infinite” means limitless, does that mean I can get free refills?”




He: (Horrified. You'd think I'd robbed his Grandma at gunpoint.) “No, we don’t offer free refills. What kind of iced tea would you like?”





(Here we go again.)




Me: “What kinds do you have?”




He: (More sighing) “We have green tea latte, black tea latte, green tea Fizzyfrappe, black tea Fizzyfrappe, plus herbal teas ranging from Obsession to Enchantment, green, and black iced teas.”




Black iced tea. At last. Something familiar.




Me: “Ok, I’ll have a large unsweetened black iced tea.”




He: “We don’t have large. We have Great, Vast and Infinite.”




Me: (hollering) “Oh C’MON!! You know what I mean!”




Startled by my outburst, the kid abandoned all efforts to educate me and quickly filled my order. As I waited, I ransacked my Great purse for an Vast bottle of aspirin to cure the Infinite headache that was pounding between my eyes.




Dinosaurs died out because they couldn’t adjust to a changing world. Perhaps like them, I’m destined for extinction too.




Whatever.




I’ve determined that my iced tea experience is best enjoyed at home; a humbler, cheaper establishment where a snooty little interpreter isn’t required. All I need do is mosey to the kitchen, and quench.




Before joining my forebears as fossil fuel, it’s comforting to know that one of the simplest pleasures of life remains unaltered. 
 

For now. :O)



Michelle Close Mills ©